I've been thinking about anger lately.

Not because I struggle with it - I'm probably the least angry person you'll meet - but because I've spent my life watching people I love disappear into rage from the passenger seat.

Tonight I watched someone flip from saying "I love you, you're perfect" to screaming "fuck you, you don't love me" in the span of an hour.

Don't worry, it didn't affect me. Why?

I got tired of watching the same movie over and over again.

Like the girl who cried wolf - eventually you stop running when you hear the same story.

the dr. jekyll and mr. hyde reality

Living with explosive anger means living with two different people in the same body.

There's the person who's gentle and caring. Who says your name tenderly. Who glows when they talk about their dreams. The one who makes you think "this is who they really are underneath it all."

Then something shifts.

Alcohol. Stress. Feeling unheard. Traffic. A look. A memory.

Suddenly you're facing someone whose eyes have gone wild. Whose voice carries a different frequency entirely.

I've learned that they wake up angry and spend the day looking for reasons to justify it.

It's not that bad things happen to them more than anyone else. It's that they need something to be angry about. They scan their environment looking for evidence that someone disrespected them, that life is unfair, that they're being treated badly.

The anger isn't a response to what's happening. The anger was already there, looking for an outlet.

the addiction

Some people become addicted to their own anger.

Not metaphorically. Literally.

When you explode, your body floods with adrenaline and cortisol. It's the same chemical cocktail you get from extreme sports or cocaine. Your brain starts craving that intense rush.

This explains why angry people often seem to enjoy their explosions, even while claiming they hate them. They're getting a biochemical hit that feels powerful and alive.

It's also why they often feel empty and depressed between explosions. They're coming down from their drug of choice.

Understanding this changed everything for me.

I stopped taking their explosions personally and started seeing them as someone in withdrawal, desperately seeking their next fix.

the science behind the storm

Research tells us about explosive anger through something called "emotional dysregulation" - someone has trouble managing their emotions appropriately for the situation. Their reactions are way bigger than what actually happened.

For people who experienced chaos or trauma growing up, their emotional system gets confused about what's actually threatening. Their body reacts to everyday stress like it's a life-or-death emergency.

But the key insight: anger is what psychologists call a "secondary emotion."

Primary emotions are your first, instinctive responses: hurt, fear, sadness, shame, loneliness. Secondary emotions are what you do with those feelings.

Brené Brown explains it perfectly: "Anger is easier to feel than hurt. It's easier to be pissed off than sad. It's easier to be furious than afraid."

Anger gives you the illusion of control. It feels powerful. The vulnerable emotions underneath - feeling small, scared, or unwanted - those feel dangerous.

When someone gets hurt, their brain often converts it instantly:

Hurt becomes rage

Fear becomes attack

Shame becomes blame

Powerlessness becomes control through anger

When someone screams about dishes, they're really screaming about feeling unseen. Unappreciated. Powerless.

But rage is easier than admitting you feel small.

how angry people actually experience life

When someone is getting angry, their body starts preparing for danger - even when there isn't any real danger. Their heart beats faster, they breathe shallow, their muscles tense up, stress hormones flood their system.

But for people who live in chronic anger, this becomes their baseline. They exist in a constant state of physiological arousal, scanning for threats, ready to fight.

Imagine feeling like you need to fight for your life every time:

Someone gives you feedback at work
Traffic moves slowly
Your partner asks you to do something
Plans change unexpectedly
You make a small mistake

For people with anger problems, these normal life situations feel threatening. Not because they're dramatic, but because their internal alarm system is broken.

When someone is in full rage mode, the thinking part of their brain basically goes offline. They can't process logic or reason in that moment. This is why trying to talk someone down when they're exploding doesn't work - their brain isn't capable of having a rational conversation.

They're not choosing to be unreasonable. Their body has hijacked their ability to think clearly.

why they think it’s justified

The person exploding always has a story about why their reaction makes sense:

"Anyone would be angry if their partner never listened to them"

"I had every right to be upset because my boss was being unfair"

"You don't understand how much stress I'm dealing with"

And sometimes they're right about the situation being frustrating or unfair. Someone cut in line. Their boss was rude. Their partner forgot something important.

But the disconnect: the situation might warrant annoyance or disappointment. The explosive response - the yelling, name-calling, throwing things, personal attacks - that's way bigger than what actually happened.

It's like someone stepping on your toe and you responding by burning down their house. Yes, getting your toe stepped on hurts. No, arson isn't a reasonable response.

When someone's emotional system is dysregulated, they genuinely can't tell the difference between a toe-step and a house fire. Everything feels equally threatening.

what explosive anger costs everyone

Living with explosive anger doesn't just hurt the angry person. It rewires everyone around them.

Children learn that love comes with walking on eggshells.

Partners develop hypervigilance that never switches off, becoming professional mood-readers who can predict explosions from micro-signals - the way someone breathes, how they hold their shoulders, the particular silence before the storm.

Friends slowly drift away to protect their peace.

I spent years learning to defuse situations before they exploded, mastering the art of keeping everyone calm. It didn't work. You can't prevent someone else's explosion by being perfectly calm. You just exhaust yourself trying.

I spent years thinking I was "helping" by absorbing someone's explosions. Really, I was enabling them to avoid learning healthier ways to communicate pain.

The kindest thing I ever did was stop participating in the drama.

the compassionate understanding

Understanding the mechanics of anger doesn't excuse harmful behavior. But it does change how I respond to it.

When you become more regulated yourself, other people's chaos stops feeling normal. Suddenly you can see patterns you couldn't see when you were caught up in them.

Tonight, listening to shouting from the other room, I felt that familiar tightness in my chest. But instead of rushing to manage anyone's emotions, I just thought: "There's that movie again." I was just tired.

When someone is screaming at me now, I try to remember: this probably isn't about me. This is someone whose nervous system is flooded, whose emotional regulation skills never developed, whose pain is leaking out in the only way they know how.

That doesn't mean I have to stay and absorb it.

Love doesn't require becoming a punching bag, even an emotional one.

I can understand that for some people, anger has become their emotional home. It's where they go when life feels overwhelming, when they feel unheard, when they need to feel powerful. It's not a response - it's a refuge.

But understanding doesn't mean tolerating.

Compassion doesn't mean becoming a target.

what actually helps (and what makes it worse)

Popular advice: "Let it out. Punch pillows. Scream."

Research shows this makes anger worse. You're literally practicing being angry.

What works: anything that calms your nervous system. Deep breathing. Cold water. Counting. The goal isn't expressing anger to get more angry - it's regulating your body.

When someone is exploding, your job isn't to calm them down. Your job is to stay calm yourself. That's it.

The feeling is real. Something is bothering them. But the explosive response - yelling, name-calling, throwing things, personal attacks - their response is always bigger than the trigger.

You forget to text back - they burn down the relationship. The reaction never matches the action.

the choice you eventually face

Not about them. About you.

You can understand their pain is real. Their triggers make sense. They're not choosing to be unreasonable.

You can also understand your peace matters too.

For me, it wasn't dramatic. It was like outgrowing clothes that no longer fit. I just stopped participating.

You can love without absorbing.

You can understand without carrying.

You can extend compassion while protecting peace.

You cannot love someone out of their anger addiction.

You cannot calm someone out of their nervous system dysregulation.

You cannot heal someone who uses rage to avoid feeling vulnerable.

But you can stop being their audience. You can stop being their emotional dumping ground. You can stop mistaking chaos for passion.

The most radical thing I ever did was get boring about other people's drama.

I stopped reacting. Stopped engaging. Stopped trying to fix.

Some people got angry about losing their favorite audience. Others finally started looking for healthier ways to process their pain.

Either way, I got my peace back.

Your peace matters too.

what to do right now

if you absorb other people’s emotions

In the moment:

Leave the room. Can’t leave? Focus on your breathing
Remind yourself: “Their feeling, not mine”
Don’t fix, explain, or defend. Just observe

Daily:

Set one tiny boundary. Notice when you absorb someone’s mood
Say “That sounds hard” instead of solving their problems
Spend time with calm people

Long-term:

Your feelings matter equally to theirs
“No” is a complete sentence
Find your calm people. Make them your priority

if you’re the one exploding

In the moment:

Feel your feet. Count five things you can see
Three slow breaths before speaking
Say “I need a minute” and leave

Daily:

Notice your body’s early warning signs. Tight chest? Clenched jaw?
Write what you’re really feeling under the anger. Usually hurt or fear
Apologize without explaining. “I’m sorry I yelled.” Period

Long-term:

Your anger is information about old pain. Get help exploring it
Practice vulnerable emotions without switching to anger
Anger pushes people away. Vulnerability brings them closer

resources

Core Research on Emotional Dysregulation:

Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT Skills Training Manual - Foundational research on emotional dysregulation and regulation techniques
Gross, J. J. (2015). “Emotion Regulation: Current Status and Future Prospects” - Comprehensive review of emotion regulation research
van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score - How trauma affects emotional regulation and nervous system responses

Anger and Secondary Emotions:

Bushman, B. J. (2002). “Does Venting Anger Feed or Extinguish the Flame?” - Study showing cathartic anger expression increases aggression
Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly - Understanding shame, vulnerability, and secondary emotions
Ekman, P. (2003). Emotions Revealed - Research on secondary emotions and emotional hijacking

Trauma and Nervous System:

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory - How nervous system dysregulation affects emotional responses
Henry, C., et al. (2008). “Emotional lability and cognitive impairment” - Research on emotional lability and rapid mood swings

Professional Resources:

American Psychological Association: “Controlling Anger Before It Controls You”
National Institute of Mental Health: “Mental Health Information”
Psychology Today: Find a Therapist

what i learned about anger from witnessing explosive rage